Marvel Munchies
by Nickelman
Summary: As the Marvel Zombies terrorize New York, Jay and Silent Bob must once again assume their roles as Bluntman and Chronic to save Jersey impending doom. M for language and Violence.
1. Zero Hour

Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel or the View Askewniverse...but you knew that, you silly bitch, you.

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**BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC **

**in**

**MARVEL MUNCHIES!**

Chapter 1

At 2:13 PM Eastern Standard Time, Jay and Silent Bob were outside the Quick Stop... as usual.

"I swear to fuckin' God, Silent Bob! I've seen him before!"

Jay's husky sidekick gave him a skeptical look.

"I ain't shittin' you. Check this, me and A-Dog were goin' into the city to pickin' up some pure ass Columbian blow this one time, right? So we're crossing the Hudson, and there he is man, swinging across the bridge, in fuckin' red and blue, Spiderman."

Silent Bob pointed at Jay, put his thumb and index finger up to his mouth and pretended to inhale.

"Oh, hell yeah, son, we was smokin', but it still don't make that shit any less true. People were gettin' outta their cars, and taking pictures and shit..."

That's when the door of RST video swung open.

"Dante, DANTE!!!" Randal Graves very quicky, walked next door to the Quick Stop, shoving Jay out of they way in the process. Randal entered the store and immediately went behind the counter to turn on the TV. He was followed by Jay and Silent Bob, who were investigating the commotion, for a lack of anything better to do.

"What the hell, Randal? I've got customers!" Dante said, motioning to the eighty-somthing year old woman in front of the counter. Randal's head snapped to the woman. He picked her up by the back of her sundress, and threw her out onto the curb outside, along with her groceries.

"Randal! Are you fucking insane! What are you doing?!" Dante yelled, his face turning red.

"Eliminating a potental threat, that's what I'm doing." Randal said. He turned to Jay and Silent Bob. "Hey, Burn-boy, Tubby, make yourselves useful and go close the shutters."

"Why the fuck should I?" Jay said, indignant look on his face.

"Because I'll give you and your he-bitch here all the free food and smokes you want if you do."

"Yo man, you serious?"

"Do I look like I'm joking? GO!"

Jay and Silent Bob suspiciously glared at Randal as they headed outside.

"Randal, what's going on?" Dante asked, confused at his friend's sudden outburst. Randal turned up the volume on the television. Sounds of panic and chaos gradually got louder as the man in the backwards cap held down the "vol +" button.

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_"It's horrible! Horrible! The Avengers a-and other metahumans are on a rampage here in Times Square! Is that-? Yes, it is! Oh my God! Captain America just tore a man in half and is now eating his entrails! Screw this! Ted, drop the camera, we're outta here-"_

_-----------------------_

"Oh my God..." Dante said, his eyes glued to the TV, mouth agape.

"I knew it man. How many times did I tell you? Man's constant abuse of science and 'male enhancement' pills would inevitably lead to the manifestation of a zombie horde." Randal said, as he scanned the aisles of Quick Stop for something hard enough to crush a human skull.

"Yo, clerks. The shutters are stuck." Jay said, coming through the front door, lighting a cigarette, followed by Silent Bob, who did the same. Dante's head rose from inside his hands.

"What do you mean the shutters won't close? Why?!"

"What do I look like, Inspector Gadget? I don't know, probably gum or some shit up there." Jay sat on top of the ice cream cooler.

Randal stomped towards the door, cursing under his breath.

"The fuck's his problem?" Jay said, blowing smoke through his nose. Silent Bob tapped Jay and pointed at the television.

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_Luke Cage, The Wasp, and Miss Marvel all hunch over an overwieght, screaming man as they each knaw on a different limb. A pair of boots stumble into the scene. Hawkeye falls facedown into the man's belly and then begins to eat._

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"Oh yeah, Luchbox! Dawn of the Dead, this movie's the shit!"

Dante continued looking at the screen, his hand over his mouth. Bob tapped Jay again, shook his head side to side, and pointed down.

"No sir, you are not telling me this shit's real..." Jay, Bob, and Dante stared at the TV for the next few minutes.

"Dude, I don't care if she's a zombie, I'd still put the moves on Ms. Marvel."

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THaNks FoR ReaDInG!!! pLEasE REvieW!!!!


	2. Holy Rhino!

**Jay and Silent Bob**

**in**

**MARVEL MUNCHIES**

**Chapter 2**

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"ALRIGHT EVERYONE! HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE 'EM!" A man in a black ski mask walked into the bank, aiming his shotgun at the bank terrified tellers, who had just witnessed a 500 pound man ram through a cement wall. Several men with guns filed through the new entrance, followed by an armored van, which contained about six more men. "Rhino, get through the safe. You goons take crowd control," ordered a man in a yellow checkered suit.

"Sure thing, Shocker," The Rhino said, getting ready to charge the giant metal door. Shocker supervised his opperation as the thugs shook down the tellers, and collected purses, wallets, and other valuables from customers. Just then, another crash shook the bank. The armored truck had exploded, completley demolishing what was left of the bank's outer wall.

"What the hell was that?!" Asked Shocker, squinting throught smoke.

"SOOOO HUNNGGRRYY!!!" A figure jumped out of the rubble and clamped on the the villain, biting him on the neck.

"OH MY GOD!!!"

"Shocker!? What's wrong? I can't see anything!" said Rhino, rubbing dust out of his eyes and flailing around wildly. The figure then jumped onto his back and began bite into the other superpowered bank robber. "RRRAAAHHHH!!! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" The Rhino reached behind his back, grabbed his asailant by the arm and sharply pulled them off, actually tearing their arm out of their socket! The other bank robbers had by now already fled or were firing their weapons off blindly in the bank.

The smoke began to clear now. The Rhino stood, holding his wound, while Shocker rolled around on the floor, screaming in pain. The mysterious figure came back into focus. It was Havok, a mutant with the ability to fire plasma beams from his hands, and ally to the X-Men.

"Heh heh heh," Havok chuckled to himself, his mouth overflowing with blood and saliva, looking at where his shoulder had once been. "That was a mistake, friend," Havok fired a powerful plasma blast into The Rhino, blowing him back into another wall. "Now, why don't you take a time out, while I deal with your friend over here. Heh heh heh..."

**---------------------------------------------**

"Shit man, I'm fuckin' bored..." Jay said dully as he flipped through the pages of a magazine.

"We could watch a movie," Dante suggested, holding up a stack of videos Randal brought over from RST. Jay snatched the boxes out of his hands.

"Gimmie that. Let's see here," Jay and Bob looked through the movies. "Spaceballs?" Jay suggested.

"No," Randal said, popping a cheeze poof in his mouth.

"Boogie Nights?"

"No,"

"Shaft Goes to Africa?"

"No,"

"FUCK!" Jay stood up, "I don't know about you'se guys, but I ain't just gonna sit around here and wait to die like a couple of depressed fuckin' chimps at the city zoo," Silent Bob nodded in agreement. "We're still human goddamnit! Let's go out there and act like it! Me and Silent Bob are gonna go out there and kick as much zombie ass as possible!" Silent Bob was now staring at Jay with a scared look on his face. "What the fuck are you scared of lunchbox? We fight zombies all the time." Silent Bob shook his head in a _'no we don't' _fashion.

"Well I'm going out there anyways. Shit, maybe I can get some pussy before the word ends," Jay headed towarrds the exit, reluctantly followed by Silent Bob. Jay stood halfway through the door, "And yo, I wasn't gonna say this, but you'se guys smell like shoe polish," and with that, they were out the door.

"Shoe polish?" Dante said out loud.

"Yeah," Randal replied, "How else was I supposed to make the sign?"

"Sign? What sign?" Dante asked, unknowingly refering to the large white tarp covering the windows of the Quick Stop that read;

_'Out to lunch'_

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The street was dead silent. In the distance, a giant pillar of smoke could be seen coming from the city.

"Man, this is fucked up Silent Bob, where do we go now?" Jay said as Silent Bob rummaged around inside his coat for ciggaretes. He pulled out a flashlight, a half eaten bagel, and a directory for the Midtown Mall before coming up with a red pack of Nails Milds. Jay's eyes wandered over to his companion's shoes, at the pile of hodge podge he produced from his jacket.

"That's it!" Jay picked up the mall directory. "The Midtown Mall! That place is like, fucking impenetrable Silent Bob. You remember we tried to break in that one time, at Christmas, and La Fours brought down the steel shutters on your leg." Silent Bob cringed at the thought. "We'll go in, round up as many fine ass, big titted survivors as possible, smoke a blunt, and hide out on the roof untill all this crazy shit is over, bong!" Silent Bob nodded his head. "Then move your ass tubby! We gots work to do."

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"RRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHGGG!!!" The Rhino roared towards the sky. "I'm starving!"

"Shut up and keep walking," said Havok, walking beside him. "Where the hell are you going to put the meat anyway?" he said, pointing to the giant hole burnt through Rhino's torso.

"Heh heh, well at least I still have both my arms," the behemoth said, with an evil grin.

Havok's remaining hand charged with glowing energy, "Keep talking, unicorn boy, I'll blast you a new hole-" Rhino's giant arm stopped Havok in his tracks.

"You hear that?" he said.

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"I didn't hear a goddamn thing Silent Bob, you're being fuckin' paronoid," Bob's hand clamped over Jay's mouth as he pulled him into a nearby alley. They poked their heads from above a cluster of trash cans and watched the street. Just then, a giant gray man with a horn and a hole in his stomach, and a shorter man in a tight black suit with spikey blonde hair with only one arm wandered into sight.

"We know you're here," Havok said.

"Yeah, come out, we only wanna talk to ya," Rhino yelled out, unable to hold back a hungry grin. Jay and Silent Bob looked back into the alley for a means of escape.

Dead end.

"Fuck, what are we gonna do now?" Jay whispered. Silent Bob put his arms up and shrugged...

...and accidentily knocked over a trash can.

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OOoOOoooO... WiLL JAy aND SiLeNT BOb EscaPE? JOiN us NExT TiMe aNd FINd OuT! PleAsE ReView!!!


	3. Mall Trip

**Jay and Silent Bob **

**in **

**MARVEL MUNCHIES!!! **

**Chapter 3 **

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

"GGRRRAAAAAAHHH!!!" The Rhino charged into the alley, horn first, smashing the trashcans their contents launched high in to the air.

"Subtle," Havok said dryly.

"Shut up! Where are they!?" Rhino exclaimed in a frenzy.

"I don't know, maybe you SCARED THEM OFF!"

"IT HURTS ALL OVER, I NEED TO FEED NOW!!!"

"Calm down, you'll only make it worse," Havok said, leaving the alley, "Let's search some of these buildings, there's bound to be some meat hiding away around here."

"Easy for you to say," The Rhino said sadly as he picked up a rat that he spooked from the garbage can, and bit it's head off, "You had those people in the bank all to yourself..." and so the ravenous duo left, in search of their next meal, meanwhile, mere feet above, Jay and Silent Bob dangled from the later's tradmark grapling hook gun.

"You sir are one crafty motherfucker, you know that lunchbox?" Jay said, his arms wrapped tight around Silent Bob's body. Silent Bob gave a cheesy grin and nodded as the two repelled back down the brick wall.

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For the first time in over a millennia, hell was on holiday. Demons and damned alike gathered around massive amphitheaters. There the legions of the underworld watched Lucifer's victory over mankind, most enjoying the downfall of humanity, all of them grateful to be rid of the torment, even if only temporarily.

"Oh my GOD!" Loki came up from behind Bartleby, "Hot dogs, Bart! They're giving out fucking hot dogs! And wine! Anything you want, they're just giving it away!" The estatic Loki noticed the solemn expression on his eternal companion's face. "Hey, what's wrong man?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong? How can you enjoy this? You know that after all this shit on Earth is over, we'll go back to eternal torture and suffering?"

"So what, you're gonna stand here, brooding, and let the oppurtunity of an exsistance pass you by? Lucifer has lifted the torment for a while. The Morningstar's infernal pride is finaly good for something. Don't be such a bitch, have a hot dog."

"..." Bartleby stood silent for a long time gazing at the flaming screen, watching humans being eaten alive, torn apart, limb from limb, impaled, decapitated, and as many other unspeakable acts as the bloodthirsty metahumans on earth could dream up before consuming their flesh like ravenous beasts. After a while he finaly spoke up.

"It's just that, I've spent my entire exsistence watching these people in their everyday lives. I know all of their secrets, all of their hopes and dreams. Despite what I might have said or done, a part of me has always cared for them, just as I'm sure you must have, and now..." Bartleby watched as a woman he knew as Linda Goldstein, a devout Jewish librarian, who on her spare time worked at her local soup kitchen, and always gave the patrons on her shift extra jello, be devoured hundreds of feet in the air by a zombified Vulture. "Now it's all coming to an end."

"Hey man, it all had to come to an end sometime, one way, or another."

"Yeah, but they don't deserve this Loki, they just don't..."

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"Alright, there it is, the Midtown mall," Jay said, as he and Silent Bob hid behind a pickup truck. Jay faced his partner, "Don't you fuck this up for me Lunchbox. I want to live goddamnit, you understand me?" Silent Bob rolled his eyes and nodded. "Now, it's a straight shot from here to the entrance," Jay continued, "When I say three, we make a run for it. Just like the muthafucking Flash!"

"One,"

"..."

"Two,"

"..."

"THREE!"

Jay and Silent Bob dashed at top speed for mall entrance 'B'. Despite his size, the agile Silent Bob made it to the glass double doors before Jay, and rammed into them, shoulder first. To their supprise, the doors were open, and they both landed on their faces, inside the mall.

"Would you believe that shit, Silent Bob? Some dumb ass motherfucker left the doors open. Close that shit Tubby, it's lettin' flies in." Silent Bob looked back out the door, suspiciously, and motioned for them to leave. "Fuck no, we ain't leavin'. We got everything we need here, Silent Bob. Now let's get to the Panda Express. I'm starving." As the pair headed down the corridors of the mall, little did they know they were being watched by a pair of murderous eyes, intent on making the two his next victims.

As Jay and Bob entered the food court, they noticed not a single sign of life as far as they could see.

"Shit, look at this," Jay said, his eyes wide with excitment. In front of him, a buffet of steaming Chinese cuisine. It would seem that every resturaunt in the food court was open and fully stocked with pre-cooked food, and it was all their's for the taking.

"Yo, how's come we're the only ones up in this bitch?" said Jay, looking around the wide, open dining area. Silent Bob simply shrugged as he dug his teeth into a leg of fried chicken. Jay continued leer around when...

"AHHHHHHH!!! HELP MEE!!!" Came a scream from the other side of the mall. Jay and Silent Bob looked at each other before dropping their food and running off.

"Yo, this is it," said Jay, jogging alongside Silent Bob. "I rescue this bitch, she'll be so gratefull, she'll suck the both of us off!"

The duo finaly arrived at the location of the scream, where an attractive young girl with blonde hair down to her shoulders and a generous bosom, was being stalked by a voracious Hulk. The girl crawled backwards on the floor, trying to distance herself from the giant green monster.

"HULK EAT PUNY LADY!!!" He roared, beating his decaying chest with giant fists.

"Not if we have anything to say about it you green-dicked motherfucker! SNOOCH TO THE NOOCH!" Jay ran up from behind and started punch The Hulk's broad back. The Hulk easily swatted him away with a single hand, sending Jay flying into a cell phone kiosk. Suddenly Silent Bob came from above and landed on Hulk's head, holding onto his hair for dear life as the monster smashed nearby benches, windows, and trashcans in an attempt to get the large man off of his back.

'HULK IS HUNGRIEST OF ALL! HULK EAT YOU NEXT!'

"Awww man," Jay got up from the ruined kiosk, and shook his head to regain his composure. "Alright, now I'm pissed. RRAAAAAAHHHH!" Jay took another run at the stomping Hulk. He made a jumping dive and grabbed onto the Hulk's giant torn purple shorts. "Time for my signature move, sucka-duck!" Jay yanked on the shorts with all his strength, dropping them to The Hulk's ankles. The Hulk stopped, mid-rampage, and slowly turned around to face Jay. Silent Bob sat on Hulk's shoulders, wide eyed, shocked at his friend's horrible judgement. That's when Jay looked up to realise...

"HOLY SHIT! HE AIN'T GOT A COCK!" Yelled Jay, pointing at The Hulk's giant smooth crotch. With the giant distracted, Silent Bob took the oppertunity to rummage around his inside coat pocket. Without wasting a second of time he pulled out a cherry red stick of dynamite. He quickly lit it, slapped The Hulk's cheek, causing him to roar in rage again, except this time Silent Bob dropped the TNT down his throat and jumped off, rolling onto the ground, putting his fingers in his ears.

**!!!BOOM!!!**

The Hulk's eye's grew wide, and was smoking from the mouth, nose and ears. He then collapsed, face down, pants around his ankles. Silent Bob lit a ciggarette as Jay walked back over to him and gave a fierce high five.

"Good fuckin' show, Lunchbox! We put the moves on the Jolly Green Giant over there! Shit, all that gama radiation must've made his dick fall right off," Silent Bob nodded, took a drag of his smoke, and pointed his thumb at the blonde girl, now standing up, looking at them.

"Oh," Jay ran over to the girl. "Sup honey, you okay? You hurt?" he said, looking her up and down.

"Oh, I'm fine," she said suddenly grabbing Jay and embracing him, "I'm just so glad somebody came along," Jay looked at Silent Bob from over her shoulder and mouthed 'oh yeah' as he slid he hands up and down her back, 'comforting' her. Silent Bob gave him a thumbs up, when suddenly, the girl's arms stretched out, tearing off the skin, and changing into mechanical tentacles. They wrapped around Jay rendering him immobile.

"Holy shit!" He yelled, trying to wiggle free. "Yo! Help me, Tons of Fun!" Silent Bob's expression of supprise, turned to anger as he ran up, ready to fight, when the girl opened her mouth and a purple mist sprayed into Silent Bob's face. The gas took immediate effect, as he fell to the ground, unconsious. The girl turned back to Jay, out of her open, unmoving mouth came an unfamiliar voice.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Like lambs to the slaughter!"

"Yo, who the FUCK are you?" Jay said, still squirming in the android's binding tentacles.

"Arcade's the name, and rounding up pathetic meat like you's my game!" Another plume of purple mist sprayed forth, this time directly in Jay's face.

"Awww, what the fucccc..."

...and with that, Jay went limp.

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OH nO! ONcE aGaIN, OuR hEroes FInD tHemSelVEs IN aNoTHer TigHt SPoT!

Many, many thanks to Space Farie, who put all of her suggestions in a friendly blue for me.

Tune in next time, for another exiciting adventure in MARVEL MUNCHIES!!!


	4. Weird Science

**Jay and Silent Bob  
in  
MARVEL MUNCHIES**

**CHAPTER 4**  
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Thousands of feet above the carnage on Earth, it was the duty of those within the S.H.E.I.L.D helicarrier to rescue and aid the surviving members of a ravanged humanity.

"Strange!" Nick Fury marched into the dimly candlelit room at an urgent pace. In the center sat a man in a large red cape, meditating quietly. He put up a gloved yellow finger, his eyes remained shut, concentrating hard.

"I see a peculiar place. One where people enter, but do not leave. They're not dead, still very much alive, only-"

"Suvivors?" Nick Fury interupted. Dr. Steven Strange turned his head.

"Yes," he said, "In a mall... in... New Jersey."

"Great, New Jersey." Fury sneered, lighting a cigar on a nearby candle. "Alright, we're gonna send out a task force, Strange you're on point." he promptly left the room to deal with other important matters.  
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"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..." Jay leaned against the wall, punching it in frustration with each expletive that left his mouth.

"I see he's as cheery as ever," Broody said, sitting on the foor throwing down playing cards in unison with Silent Bob "War." he declared as they both drew 9's.

"How the hell can yous two just sit there, waiting to be eaten like a box of fuckin' Chips Ahoy. We need to come up with a fuckin' plan." Jay reached in his pocket, pulled out a zippo, a pen, and a can of bug-spray, and thew them to Silent Bob. "Make somthin', McGyver." Silent Bob rolled his eyes and continued playing cards.

"Look Jay, there's not much we can do. We're locked inside a toystore, fortified by a steel security gate, some kind of laser grid, and being guarded by two robo-Things out there." Broody said. The two rocky orange androids looked back and waved at them, Broody returned the gesture.

Jay, Bob, and Broody Bruce the notorious 'mallrat', were all being held captive inside Buy-Me-Toys with about thirty other male prisoners.

"I mean, shit," Jay sat down, "They could've at least left us with some pussy, know what I mean?" Silent Bob nodded his head.

"Well, well, look who we have here," two pairs of sneakers walked up to the trio. "A group of helpless bystanders, waiting for a hero to come along and save their sorry asses."

"Heh heh, yeah, sorry asses!"

Broody's hands fell into his face, "Oh my God, not them."

"Oh yes, us." There stood Walt Grover and Steve Dave, local comic proprietors and enthusists. "If it isn't our arch nemisis, Booby Bruce..."

Broody shot to his feet, cutting off Steve before one more word could leave his annoying mouth. "That's Broody and I wouldn't be slinging the shit if I were you fanboy! Oh, who is it again owns the most succsesful comic franchise in Jersey?" Broody pointed towards himself and silently mouthed 'me'.

"I would drop you right now, Bruce," he said with a cocksure attitude, "But me and Walt need to conserve our strength."

"You tell 'em Steve Dave!"

"Conserve your strength? For what, one more hot, sweaty, man-on-man fuckfest, before the world ends?" Broody replied.

"No," Steve Dave replied slowly, "Walt and I have come up with a brilliant plan of escape."

"Yeah," Walt chimed in "And we're not gonna let you come with us!"

"I'm crushed." Broody said dryly.

"Watch and learn, Bruce," Steve Dave said. "Come on Walt."

"Yeah!" Walt said, following Steve Dave heading for the entrance. They stood direclty in front of the laser grid. The Thingbots' turned and brought their attention to the fanboys. The two fell to the floor and began rolling around.

"Ohhhhhhhh, my stomach, ohhhhhhhhh," Steve Dave unconvinigly groaned.

"Yeah, me too! Owwwwwwww oooohhhhhhhhhh..." Walt joined in. Everyone in the store watched Walt Grover and Steve Dave as the made a specticle of themselves on the linoliem floor.

"Ahhhhhhh, so much pain!"

"Yeeaaahhh, I'm hurtin' bad... ohhhhhhh, hold me Steve Dave." Walt said, grabbing onto his back. The two then proceded to roll around on the floor, together, moaning and groaning the whole time.

Broody's jaw dropped, "Oh my God," he said, "They've fuckin' lost it."

"Yo, hows them two fuckin' each other, supposed to save us?" Jay asked. The Thingbots, losing intrest, turned back around.  
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"AAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! OHOHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!" Arcade fell out of his chair, his eyes tearing up. He broke into even louder bouts of uncontrollable laughter every time he looked up at the surveillance monitor. After about ten minutes he finally regained his composure and got back in his seat. Behind him, mall security officer LaFours opperated another surveillance pannel.

"Mister Arcade," he said in a deep, droning voice. "They're here." Arcade spun his chair around.

"Ahhh, excellent!" he said. Arcade got up and patted the wrinkles out of his jacket. "Make yourself look presentable for our guests, they'll be along any second." LeFours walked over to Arcade and adjusted his hat. Suddenly the door crashed down. In came Colonel America and the rest of the zombified Avengers.

"Ah, gentlemen, I see you've received my message." Arcade said smugly.

"Heh, Arcade, we overestimated you. Looks like your stupid traps couldn't save you this time," said Luke Cage getting ready to pounce.

"On the contrary, Avengers. I've called you here to present you with a propisition. But what kind of host would I be to invite guests and not offer them a little something to nibble on." Arcade grabbed LaFours by the collar and threw him to the horde of bloodthirsty superheroes.

"Woooaaaahhh!" LaFours yelled, falling towards the mob.

!!!CRUNCH!!!

The Avengers immediately fell upon the security guard before he hit the ground and began to tear him apart.

"There's a lot more where that came from, my friends," Arcade stood smiling.

"Start talking," Henry Prym (Ant Man) said, bloody entrails hanging out of his mouth like spaghetti.

"Somewhere in this mall, there are over 60 human specimens that I hold captive. All in good health, and all yours for the taking." The Avengers slowed their feeding and rose their heads. "If you let me live, I promise to round up all the humans you can eat, finding new and inovative ways to capture and preseve them, for you, my masters." The Avengers looked at each other.

"Whaddya say guys?" Hawkeye grinned, "Sounds like a pretty good deal."

"That's a pretty brilliant plan, Arcade. Even for you," said Ms. Marvel, popping LeFours left thumb into her mouth.

"Do we have a deal?" asked Arcade, extending his hand to Colonel America. Colonel America stood up, and took Arcade's hand.

"Arcade, honestly I must say, I'm supprised..." he said. Arcade smiled proudly. "I'm supprised that you could be such a fool!" Colonel America pulled Arcade towards him and bit his neck.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" The Avengers chuckled evily as they dragged the villian to the ground and began to feast. "IIIIII COOUULLLDD HAVVEE HEELLPPED YYOUU!!!" he screached, blood gushing from his neck like a fountain.

Luke Cage looked Arcade in the eyes. "If you're not one of us, you're food," he said.

"NOOOOOOOO!!! HEEELLLLPPPP!!!"

The Wasp flew into his throat and dug her teeth into his vocal chords, silencing his screams in a gurggling hiss. After they finished gorgeing themselves, the Avengers stood up and wiped their mouths. Colonel America turned to his team.

"Now, what say we go partake in Arcade's little...gift."  
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"My sensors are reading a large radiant heat signal coming from the south side of the mall," War Machine said to Dr. Strange.

"I feel it too, Jim." Strange said, stroking his beard in thought. "Alright, War Machine, Iron Fist, Wolverine, Scarlet Spider, you keep on the lookout for zombies. Everyone else, follow me. We have to rescue those survivors.  
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Jay held a lone joint in his hand. "This is all we have left, Silent Bob. The rest is back at the Blunt Cave."

"Well, like my grandma used to say, 'Smoke 'em if you got 'em'. That was, of course, before she bungee jumped off the worlds largest corn silo," said Broody.

"Trust, you take green-hit lunchbox," Jay said, passing the joint to Silent Bob. He took it, supprised at Jay's sudden spark of generosity, and hugged Jay, patting his back.

"Yeah, yeah, I know Silent Bob," Jay hugged back, "Now stop actin' like a faggot and spark that shit up." Silent Bob nodded and flicked the lighter on. He then stopped and looked at the flame. He turned the lighter off and looked at Jay. Silent Bob pointed at the Thingbots and made funny faces at Jay.

"What?" Jay said looking at the androids. Broody did the same. He looked back to Silent Bob.

"You want him to distract the droids?" Broody asked. Silent Bob nodded.

"What the fuck are youse two talkin' about. Yo, if you ain't gonna hit that shit then I'm-"

"He's got a plan!" Broody said, "Now hurry up, go distract Thing 1 and Thing 2 over there."

"Shit, I gotta stand up?" Jay whinned.

"Go!"

"Alright, alright..." Jay said getting up. "YO!!! LOOK AT ME YOU DICKLESS MOTHERFUCKERS! I WANNA TALK TO YOUSE!!!" The Thingbots turned around and looked through the gates.

"So, are youse guys like that robot in Weird Science and shit? Cuz shit, I could some lovin' right now. Mmmmmm, gimmie some of that big orange booty, I'll show you what's up." Jay said, licking his lips and smacking his backside. Meanwhile, Silent Bob crouched near the corner of the gate holding the can of bug-spray Jay gave him earlier. He glanced at the generator outside, powering the laser grid. He carefully lined up his shot and rolled the can through the gate. He heard a clink as it hit the generator.

"Yeah, I've seen your kind in action before," Jay said, still holding the androids' attention. "You're all smooth down there. I bet you ain't even seen a cock before! Check this shit!" Jay yelled, dropping his pants.

Silent Bob flicked the Zippo on. He lit a ciggarette, said a small silent prayer, and threw the lighter through the grid. Time almost slowed down as the lighter flew through the air, the flame still burning strong. Then it landed, upside down, in between the can and generator.

POP

The fire ate through the can and caused a small explosion, which in turn...

!!!BBBOOOOMMM!!!

...ignited the fuel chamber and caused an even bigger explosion, blowing the Thingbots back into the security gate, flatening it. With both the laser grid, and the gate now out of the way, The prisoners ran out, scattering throughout the mall. Jay, Bob, and Broody all met up near the entrance to the store.

"Jay, Bob, I can't thank you enough for the rescue, but I gotta split and find Rene." He held his hand out to offer a shake. Jay finished pulling up his pants and shook. "Later," Broody said, jogging off.

"Yo, where to now, Silent Bob?" Jay said looking around.

"Everyone this way! Go! Go! Go!" Jay and Bob turned around to see Spider-Woman directing fleeing survivors towards a back entrance. Jay's eyebrows arched up when he saw her bright red skin tight uniform. Jay and Bob looked at each other, shrugged, and ran towards the exit with the crowd.  
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WiLL jAy aND SiLEnT boB MaKE a DaRINg eSCApe? Or WiLL tHeY fALl ViCTIm tO An oVErwHElMINg zOMbiE HOrdE? TuNE iN fOr tHe neXT eXCITiNg VolUME of...

MARVEL MUNCHIES

Props again to Space Farie, who saves the day with adjectives...

...OF JUSTICE!!!


	5. Up in Smoke

**JAY AND SILENT BOB**

**IN**

**MARVEL MUNCHIES**

**Chapter 5**

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"Bartelby! Bart!!!" Loki tried to keep up with Bartelby who was walking as fast as he could across the brimstone ground. "Hey, stop!" Loki stepped in front of him. "Where the hell are you going man!?"

"I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago."

"Now where have I heard that before?" Loki said sarcastically. Bartleby continued walking.

"Hey, come on!" After walking a few more miles on the burning gravel, taking a lift that went through five layers of scorching flames, and fighting their way through mobs upon mobs of damned souls, Bartleby and Loki finally reached their destination. Before them stood a large stone door with demonic glyphs engraved upon it.

"We aren't where I think we are, are we?"

"BLACKHEART!!!" Bartelby boomed, "OPEN UP! I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU!!!"

"Blackheart? Blackheart?!" Loki tried to keep his voice down. "You're fucking crazy man. This is stupid, we should just go back and-"

"Baaaartelby..." the voice came from all around them. "What is it you seek?"

"I've come to strike a bargain," Bartelby began, speaking to the door, "Last I checked, you like making deals, Blackheart,"

"Now's not a great time, Irin" the voice had a hint of frustration in it. "Leave, before I throw you back into the pit early."

"It has to do with the souls on Earth." Bartelby wasn't about to let himself be shaken simply by being addressed by his former title as a watcher in any tongue.

"..." The voice was silent for a moment. Suddenly, the glyphs on the door began to glow red that grew brighter and brighter across the expanse of the door until it's entirety was enveloped in a crimson glow.

"Enter..."

Bartelby walked towards the light without a second thought, followed by Loki, who took in a big breath before walking through the portal.   
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"Yo, so what if you have to like, take a shit or somthin'?" Jay said, referring to the mercenary's tight red costume.

"Usually find the can even if I have to break in." Deadpool paused. "Once I took a #$ in guy's chest after I sliced him open. Hmmm Was I paid for that?..."

"And hows come all you superhero motherfuckers only cuss in like, logograms and shit?"

"You hear it too?" The merc's masked eyes grew wide. "#$...&#$...$&#!!!" Deadpool waved a clenched fist in the air. "Damn it Why won't they give me a MAX title! I'm way more deserving then the Punisher! I'm gonna go write some angry letters..." he ranted ambling away from Jay and Silent Bob, not realizing he was saying his 'internal monologue' aloud. Silent Bob gave his counterpart a disapproving look.

"What?" Jay said defensively, "I was just askin' him a question, how's I supposed to know he's insane in the mother fucking membrane?" Silent Bob lit a cigarette as Jay looked around the massive cargo bay, filled to almost capacity with confused survivors. "Hey, can I ask you a question Silent Bob?" Silent Bob nodded his head as he blew smoke out of his nose. "Do you think this is the end? You know, for mankind and shit?" Silent Bob stood, thoughtful for a moment. He took another drag from his cigarette, looked down and shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, that's what I thought,"

The intercom came on.

"Fantastic Four to lab number 6. Fantastic Four to lab number 6,"

Jay looked to Silent Bob, "Yo, lets go find some chocolate."

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"You dare ask me for help, Grigori?" Blackheart growled ask he held Bartelby with one hand by the neck. His glowing red eyes bore into the fallen angel, "Why would I assist you?"

"Because I have a plan," Bartelby said, his voice strained, as Blackheart choked him. The demon released Bartelby from his clawed grip.

"You have one minute, speak"

Bartelby rubbed his neck as he tried to catch his breath. "Mephisto, he's responsible for all of this."

"You waste your time, Watcher,"

"He caused the plague because he wanted to use the zombies to take over the earth, and eventually other worlds." Bartelby stood and stepped closer to Blackheart. "But what if I knew of a way to stop them, and grant you an unimaginable power?" Blackheat's giant black tail wagged back and forth, it was impossible to tell if he was amused or agitated.

"Keep talking,"

"Galactus," Bartleby said. The demon's eyes grew a little wider. "I know where he is, and I can lead him to earth. Once he's there, the zombies won't stand a chance, but they will weaken him." Bartelby walked back to Loki and put his arm round his shoulder. "And all that Power Cosmic will be yours for the taking."

Blackheat chuckled to himself. "I've got to hand it to you mortals, you've got a knack for getting yourselves out of tight situations."

"All we're asking for is a free pass out of hell, and a pair of wings."

Blackheart laughed "Done, but be warned, Watcher. If you cross me, I will personally see to it that you will experience a suffering known to nothing in the universe for the rest of existence. Now go..." Blackheart pointed a clawed, ebony finger at the pair. The two turned to leave the chamber when suddenly they both burst into a raging black flame.

"AAARRRRRRRRHHHHHHHGGGGG!!!" Bartelby and Loki screamed out in pain as the fire covered every inch of their bodies, rushing into their mouths, seeping into their pores until with a great blast the torrent ended. Eventually the fire subsided. Leaving the two on the ground, in searing pain.

"Oh man, Bart..." Loki looked up, mouth agape as he watched Bartelby rise to feet . The Watcher spread his new wings to their full span. Two bat-like appendages protruded from the fallen angel's back. "You're a d-de-" Loki stopped mid sentence. Bartelby looked down at his companion with determination in his eyes.

"Get up, we've got work to do."

Loki stood up and turned his head to look at his back. Catching a glimpse of his own wings, his head immediately snapped forward. "Bartelby, why?" he asked, a deep sadness in his eyes. Bartelby stared into Loki, a solemn expression on his face. Loki weakly flapped his new wings and looked to the ground. "We can never go back..."

Bartelby turned around.  
"Come on, let's go," he said, leaving the chamber. Loki turned his head to Blackheart. There the demon stood, looking back at him, arms crossed.

"LOKI!"

Loki sniffled and followed his companion out of Blackheart's quarters.

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"Aw, come on baby! Alright, alright. What if the zombies built their own airship, and they was on their way to us, and we had like, 20 minutes to live? Would you fuck me then?"

"No,"

"Well, what if they all flew up into the air, and were like, crawling all over the ship and shit and we had 5 minutes to live? Would you fuck me then?"

"No,"

"Okay, what if there were actually zombies up in this bitch, and we had 30 seconds to live? Would you at least go down on-"

"Arrrggg!" Rouge feircely removed her right glove and placed her index finger in the middle of Jay's forehead. His eyes rolled back into his head as he fell backwards on his heels. "Jerk," she muttered under her breath as she stomped off. Silent Bob dropped to his knees and began to slap Jay's unconscious face. His eyes slowly opened.

"It happened again, didn't it?" Jay asked. Silent Bob shook his head up and down. "Shit," Silent Bob helped Jay up. "We're in a room with some of the hottest super-bitches on the planet and not one of 'em wants to have sex with me." Silent Bob kind of nodded. "Oh hey there goes Scarlet Witch, she is one fine ass bitch, she'd totally do me." Jay cups his hands over his mouth and shouts across the room.

"Hey baby, lets you and me get repopulatin'! Yeahhh..." Silent Bob rolled his eyes and lit another cigarette.   
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_"I'm glad you could all come here... I wanted to meet with you first before I brought my findings to Fury and the rest." _

_"What have you __**done**__ Reed?" _

_"Concluded my study, Sue. Your tone distresses me, my love. I have, as we all should, come to accept the fate that will befall each and every one of us. Is it so inconceivable that we were __**meant **__to become these savage beasts? What if this is the next step in our lives? I believe that to be the case. I've come to realize we're not dealing with an __**infection**__ here. It's __**evolution**__." _

_"Have you gone __**insane**__?! What do you propose?! That the __**solution**__ to all this is to embrace this and allow ourselves to be __**infected**__?!" _

_"No. That's not it at all. I've __**already**__ infected you. You may have noticed a small prick -- a scratch, a few minutes ago, as I called you here. That's really all it takes -- the tiniest of breaks in skin. In fact, you should be starting to feel the effects in three, two..._

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"--one, Silent Bob! Every last fucking one of those superbitches has either shocked me, choked me, absorbed me, or turned my head into a giant fish! Fuck this Silent Bob, I'm gettin' the fuck outta here!" Silent Bob shook his head and grabbed Jay's sleeve. "What? You think we're safe up here? Shit, we're all gonna die anyways. Why delay the inebi-. I mean the inbedi- or... invediable? Man, fuck that word, I'm outta here." Jay began walking towards the stairwell that led to the main decks, followed by a distressed Silent Bob. "Man, sometimes it feels like the whole fuckin' world is against us," Jay reached the stairs.

"I'm sorry sir, we can't let you up here." Two heavily armed agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. blocked the door.

"Man, why the fuck not?"

"Only authorized personnel are allowed onto the upper decks, sir. Why don't you go back with the others? I hear they're giving out sticky buns..." Silent Bob looked to Jay and nodded his head, entertaining the possibility of free sticky buns.

"Fuck you, and fuck your buns, I want--"

**BBBOOOOOOOOOMM **

The entire helicarrier shook for a moment. Nervous chatter spread amongst the scared survivors. The guard looked to his partner and then back to the crowd.

"There's nothing to worry about, folks." He said into a megaphone. "We just happened to hit some turbulence, which is common when traveling at such high altitudes. Please do not panic and remain calm." The agent lowered his megaphone and turned to his partner. "I'm gonna see what's going on, stay here and watch the civilians." The man nodded as the agent headed upstairs.

"Man that was fuckin' scary," Jay said, watching the first man leave. "You scared?" He asked the remaining agent. The man ignored him, but obviously looked nervous. Jay pulled his last joint from behind his ear. "You don't mind if I smoke? Do you?" Jay lit the peice and puffed out a plume of ivory smoke. "MMMMMMmmmmm, that's some good shit, tastes like mamma's cookin'," Jay took another hit and blew the smoke in the guard's face. The guard cringed and continued trying to keep his eyes forward. "Yeahhh," he exhaled again. "Calms the nerves, know what I mean? And son, I'll tell ya, you need some calmin' after seeing one of those freaks up close, you ever see one up close?" Jay blew some more smoke into his face. The guard coughed.

Jay extended the joint towards him. "You want some?" The agent glanced around nervously, then snatched the piece out of his hand.

"Give me that!' The agent took a deep hit and held it in for a moment and then broke out into a fit coughing.

"Yeah, that's right, take it to the head,"

The agent continued coughing before stumbling around for a bit and eventually collapsing. Jay looked to Silent Bob and grinned.

"One hit shit," he said as he opened the door to the stairwell,


End file.
